Too much whining going on.

Mr. Susie is out of town this weekend.  He and a friend went to a music festival in Ohio.  I'm usually pretty happy having time to myself.  In fact, he left Wednesday night, and I was doing just fine and dandy until about midnight last night.  Some friends and I went out for drinks and a movie last night.  I had exactly one beer and about 2 sips of wine.  I woke up at midnight having received a text from the nate (which was really sweet... even though he was probably on drugs), and realized I was dehydrated and feeling pretty nauseas.  Needless to say, I hardly got any sleep after that.  I remember drifting to sleep at one point and the A/C was blowing on my face... and I thought "My poor little face is too cold..." which disturbed me in my half hungover state.  I turned on the TV and listened to some clips from Roseanne for a while.  It was the furthest thing from restful.  And then I was up at my normal 6:00 hour this morning.  I cleaned the cat box, took out the trash, did some laundry... and after that, the day was a total waste.  Now it's 9:30.  I'm tired, but not really tired.  I feel like I wasted a whole day.  I miss the nate.  And I feel like whining.  So, here it is.

I don't want to go home.

Some weeks fly by.  I don't feel like that happened here.  I can't complain that I didn't do enough, see enough, feel enough.  I "got my eyes full" of home, as my dad would say.  And yet, I just am not ready to go home.  I could extend my visit another full week and would still not be ready.  I think the reason for that is: this is home.  Carrboro is where I live and enjoy day-to-day life -- all the opportunities I always wanted to have.  A decent salary, public transportation, plenty of places to get vegan food, free classes, friends.  Carrboro is great, but it is not home.

I remember feeling similarly last year.  Last year's trip was quite different -- I remember being a little bit bored, but at the same time completely content and relaxed.  And I remember thinking it would be forever until I came home again.  Somehow that year seemed to pass even more quickly than this past week.

I wonder sometimes if I made the right decision, and I suppose I did.  Even if we didn't move to Carrboro, I would have constantly second guessed and wondered what could have been.  Now, I am on the other side of that predicament.  I guess I could always go home.  I think sometimes that I will after I get my education completed, but that seems so far away that it is completely overwhelming and unmanageable.

I'm afraid that tomorrow might be full of tears and an overwhelming feeling of homesickness, even before I board the train.